Friday, September 18, 2015

The Well of Loneliness

A. Is that dramatic enough for you?
B. I've never read that book, but I hear it's really depressing.

Never having gotten divorced before, I had ideas about this process that were not quite accurate.  A year out from the suffering of living in the same house with a cheating spouse and hoping we might reconcile, life is better.  And a year ago, I remember telling myself everyday, "by this time next year it will be better."  Since then I've done a lot of pushups, run a lot of miles, written a lot of words, got my own place, went to divorce court, went on probably more actual dates than I've ever been on in my life.  I don't wake up in the morning with a sense of dread.  I don't feel like I'm going to puke.  But my sadness, my sense that everything I thought was true has been upended, that I have been betrayed is only stronger.  In that first survival stage, I didn't let myself feel all the emotions.  Even now, I guess I could shut it down, but I have some instinctive sense that the only way for this experience to mean something is to let myself feel what I need to feel.  And it sucks.

When I was first thinking about dating, everyone was somewhere on the spectrum between mildly encouraging and insistent that it was a good idea.  I thought that it would feel like a healing process.  And, in the first stage it was.  There are, apparently, a lot of people who will date a middle aged lady.  But, dating a little more seriously makes me realize how broken I feel.  How distrusting of my own feelings, desires, and emotions.  And it sucks.

But in better news LB and I are headed out with friends for our first-ever camping trip.  I'll have to put together a tent, but what could go wrong, right?  Two little girls are currently tearing up my torn up house, work is out of control, life is life.  I was writing a letter the other day to someone I hate, a letter that was honest, but not kind.  And then the lyrics to Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" got inexplicably stuck in my head.  And it didn't make the words I needed to write in the letter any more kind, but I felt some of my anger dissipating with each word.

1 comment:

  1. I think that sometimes the emotions come last. After the fact. Very normal. You WERE betrayed. It DOES hurt. You have made amazing strides in the last year. I know some people that just completely lose their will to make it through daily life after a divorce. You are worthy of happiness, and dating, and reclaiming some of that trust that was shattered.

    Good luck camping. When all else fails, get a pop up tent that essentially sets itself up or let the kid do it, for some reason kids rock those things ;)