Tuesday, September 29, 2015

5 minutes of heaven

That is, the 5 minutes between now and when I start getting ready for work.  The small child is off-site. After I complained about too many perfect sunny days in a row, today is lovely and misty.

B and I have been negotiating over holidays, and my future reality sucks.  Has a psychologist described this cycle: I want to be with my baby, I'm going to miss half the years, how did this happen to me, my ex wife's lover will spend as many holidays with my child as I will, why, why, why.

I'm trying to channel the fatalism and acceptance of many faith and cultural traditions: life isn't fair, life is suffering, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, sinners in the hands of an angry God-and all that.  I was joking with my lady friend that I should offer LB's room that she never sleeps in to a Syrian refugee family, and then every day I could look across the kitchen table and realize how good I have it.

And life is good, but it's hard to turn around that cruise ship of expectation on which I spent every holiday with my child and my spouse.  It's hard to accept without anger that we are all flawed and selfish and stupid, and that just is, and all my anger and sadness won't change what is.

Saturday, September 26, 2015


Lb and I went camping! Mostly thanks to the kindness of friends who drove us and provided all our gear. Despite our inexperience, our basicness saw us through.

Friday, September 18, 2015

The Well of Loneliness

A. Is that dramatic enough for you?
B. I've never read that book, but I hear it's really depressing.

Never having gotten divorced before, I had ideas about this process that were not quite accurate.  A year out from the suffering of living in the same house with a cheating spouse and hoping we might reconcile, life is better.  And a year ago, I remember telling myself everyday, "by this time next year it will be better."  Since then I've done a lot of pushups, run a lot of miles, written a lot of words, got my own place, went to divorce court, went on probably more actual dates than I've ever been on in my life.  I don't wake up in the morning with a sense of dread.  I don't feel like I'm going to puke.  But my sadness, my sense that everything I thought was true has been upended, that I have been betrayed is only stronger.  In that first survival stage, I didn't let myself feel all the emotions.  Even now, I guess I could shut it down, but I have some instinctive sense that the only way for this experience to mean something is to let myself feel what I need to feel.  And it sucks.

When I was first thinking about dating, everyone was somewhere on the spectrum between mildly encouraging and insistent that it was a good idea.  I thought that it would feel like a healing process.  And, in the first stage it was.  There are, apparently, a lot of people who will date a middle aged lady.  But, dating a little more seriously makes me realize how broken I feel.  How distrusting of my own feelings, desires, and emotions.  And it sucks.

But in better news LB and I are headed out with friends for our first-ever camping trip.  I'll have to put together a tent, but what could go wrong, right?  Two little girls are currently tearing up my torn up house, work is out of control, life is life.  I was writing a letter the other day to someone I hate, a letter that was honest, but not kind.  And then the lyrics to Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" got inexplicably stuck in my head.  And it didn't make the words I needed to write in the letter any more kind, but I felt some of my anger dissipating with each word.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

When Last I Left You...

I was missing LB who was off on vacation with her other mom.  Since then LB had her first friend sleepover, we went to the beach a couple times, we took the train to visit a friend in Boston, and did all the usual summer things.

And LB started pre-K, and, unlike other years, seems pretty good with the transition.  The striped dress pic is real first day of pre-k, but since I didn't get to participate, I took my own pictures on my first day bringing LB to her new class.

And, in a true Labor Day miracle, my wonderful friends brought me a receiver and speakers, and hooked the whole shabang up, so that I have music!  I'm listening to some Waylon right now.

Oh yeah, and I had divorce court, which is 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back.  And IT IS DONE, except the processing of the paperwork, which will take another month or so.  And, I went on perhaps too many dates, some of which were very enjoyable.

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

I miss my Bug

LB is on vacation with her other mom for almost 2 weeks.  Apparently I can deal without seeing my child for 6 days, and then I ache to see her.  I've been keeping busy-work, projects, dates, trips, friends, and for the first 6 days that was good, but now I miss her.

This morning I woke before my alarm.  The sky was dark yellow and there was thunder and lightening in the distance.  I reached across the bed where LB would usually be sleeping, and I would usually re-cover her with her special blanket.  And maybe I would hold her hand, and she would wake a bit and smile at me.  As I got up to put on the coffee, the sky went dark with wind and rain and lightening and thunder.  By the time I left for my morning meeting it was clear and lovely.  All seemed good, until I came upon two giant trees crashed across Benefit Street, and my meeting was canceled and the power was out and the coffee shop was closed.

I miss that little girl, she anchors me to something I can't define.